Tuesday, April 6, 2010

It's been so long since I've updated that I've forgotten how to use the computer...

...just kidding. I am a computer wiz, yo.

Well... where to begin? These last few months have probably been the toughest part of my life so far and after 5 months (Has it really been that long?) of medication, psychologists, and therapy I can finally say I think things are finally getting underway--- but I am getting ahead of myself here.

Several months ago, Parker started to date someone new. His new girlfriend lives in Oregon and when he decided to take his first plane trip (something we promised to do together) to go visit her, I started to realize that Parker and I would never resolve things and never get back together. That's when the shit hit the fan.

In the proceeding months I started to rot in my self-loathing and depression until it was extremely black and white that I needed help. I met with my psychologist just before Thanksgiving, a time when Parker's girlfriend was visiting Salt Lake and being the first girlfriend besides myself to go to his family festivities, and I began antidepressants and talk therapy.

I tried to remain friends with Parker, to accept that he didn't love me anymore and just be his friend, but when being around him or even speaking about him made me tear up and get upset, I decided that I needed to stop talking to him if I was ever going to get better. (Plus, it was also because I loved Parker and was trying to let him live his chosen life-- having me going into hysterics because he didn't love me every time I was with him wasn't exactly... productive).

Since Parker was there whenever I would hang out with my friends, I stopped hanging out with them. I was depressed that whenever I tried to hang out with these friends without Parker it was always lackluster by being awkward and forced feeling, or I felt like they just didn't like me as much as they liked Parker. (Which is probably the case.) It broke my heart to know that all my friends from high school were my friends because of who I was dating but through counseling with my therapist, I have begun the process of putting myself out there to make new friends. I have been actively trying to get my life back in order and while things still seem a bit chaotic I think things are sorting itself out. I still get upset about Parker and what he did to me, but I guess now I am starting to get pass it.

This January I started dating someone new, Paul. I met him through my friend Peter and he is the balm to my wounds. When I am with him, I feel so safe and I know that he would do everything in his power to protect me. He isn't someone I have to fear that he's lying to me, or using me for the umpteenth time but instead the most fantastically caring person. We get each other on levels that I didn't even think possible-- it's almost as if we think, feel, act the same way. We even went camping in Zions together for spring break on a whim. It was quite liberating knowing that I was going camping and I didn't know where. It was nice being not so much of a planner.

Now that spring and summer is on it's way, I have been making plans to adopt a dog. I was going to adopt a particular dog, Biscuit, but unfortunately someone paid for her the moment I walked in the door. I have decided to wait a month until school is over so that I can really dedicate time to her versus now when I should really be cracking down for end of the semester.

This Easter weekend I took my senior chemistry exams (American Chemical Society tests on organic, inorganic, analytical, physical, and biological chemistry) and I passed them! Apparently I know enough chemistry to graduate with a BS. (I bought my cap and gown!) Since I was off taking tests on a Saturday I didn't get to go on my typical Easter trip to southern Utah to visit my Grandma Jones with my extended family. Instead I went with Paul up to Park City to his family's Easter events and met his whole family (who say via Paul that they liked me and sure thought I was tough to meet all of them at once).

I am quite optimistic about what my life can be.